Yesterday was the anniversary of my wedding. I wrote about how I was feeling as I began my day, and as the day progressed I had some high moments and some low moments. The evening could have been a challenge; I didn’t have Little Mr. with me, I could have felt very much alone, and I could have wallowed in the mire of sadness and guilt.
I could have.
But I didn’t.
You see, a few weeks ago, a friend had contacted me and she asked if I wanted to get together this weekend for a glass of wine, it had been too long, and she was just going to be finished some major proposals. I said sure, and suggested that either night was fine for me. She picked last night. At first the date hadn’t registered, but when it did, I knew that this was an opportunity. This same friend had suggested that we undertake a sweetgrass smudging of my space at some point. I asked if we could do the smudging then. She immediately agreed. At that point, she was unaware that she had chosen my anniversary for this event.
Sweetgrass has long been a part of the traditions of Indigenous peoples; the website nativetech.org says:
Many Native tribes in North America use sweetgrass in prayer, smudging or purifying ceremonies and consider it a sacred plant. It is usually braided, dried, and burned. Sweetgrass braids smolder and don’t produce an open flame when burned. Just as the sweet scent of this natural grass is attractive and pleasing to people, so is it attractive to good spirits. Sweetgrass is often burned at the beginning of a prayer or ceremony to attract positive energies.
….Sweetgrass is used to “smudge”; the smoke from burning sweetgrass is fanned on people, objects or areas. Individuals smudge themselves with the smoke, washing the eyes, ears, heart and body.
I was using the night to purify my space, and not only my space but myself. I would be taking yet another step on the road to reclaiming and owning my life.
I set about the task of deciding who would share in this event with me; almost immediately I realized that I wanted women who had somehow been instrumental in my life to be there. A few of these women were immediately obvious: the woman who had acted as the Honour Attendant at my wedding, who has been my friend for over 20 years, her partner, my running buddy. A few others were not quite as obvious, but as I saw people, I invited them. Some could come, some could not.
As we gathered last night, I took a good look at the women assembled. Each one had either knowingly or unknowingly reached out to me in a time when I needed it.
Wine was poured, and it was decided that since introductions were required that each woman would tell how she knew me. I was overwhelmed with the memories and the stories. Some were old, and some were newer, but each woman’s story reminded me that no matter where I was in my journey, I had been supported and loved.
Then it was suggested to me that I should tell everyone why each woman in the room meant something to me. I hadn’t consciously done this before, but I set out to share my own recollections of how every woman had touched me. There was the woman who first used the term abuse (far before I was ready to) – the woman who was concerned enough that she sent her husband to walk by my house to make sure everything seemed ok. There was the woman who (again, long before I was ready to hear it) had hugged me and told me that when I was ready to be happy I could come stay with her. There was the woman that had encouraged me to keep doing things for myself at a time when neither she nor I was aware that I really wasn’t free to make those choices. There was my longest standing friend who has been by my side throughout the whole process. There was the woman who I really only knew through work, and as a result, she never had seen that most of me was hidden most of the time. There was the woman whose energy and life force drew me out at a time when I needed it most.
There were so many ways these six women had supported and touched me in both difficult times and good ones.
The energy in the room was beautiful; it was electric, and calming at the same time. It was exciting and healing. It was women coming together to help claim the space of another woman.
As we came to the ‘formal’ part of the evening, my friend who had initiated this told us that as Indigenous Peoples come together, they always provide the context of where they fit into the community and we had intuitively done this. Everyone had identified how they fit in relation to me, and I had told each of them how they had impacted my journey.
We began the process of smudging. I was told that first I needed to purify myself; I needed to draw the smoke over me and to me. I drew the smoke over my head, then to my eyes, to my ears, to my mouth. Finally I drew the smoke to my heart; I held my hands to my chest for a few extra seconds. I cannot exactly explain how I felt while doing that, except to say that as I knelt on my floor in front of these women, I felt a new beginning, I felt loved and surrounded and supported. I felt whole.
We then went from room to room and door to door drawing the smoke around the openings to cleanse and purify my space as mine. This was not done with complete solemnity; at one point I was told I was doing it wrong, and if I was ‘gonna do it, I should do it right’. So, I did; I learned from these wise women. I went back over some of the doors and cleansed more thoroughly. Then we went to the second floor so that I could cleanse the bedrooms, and my bedroom specifically. And, just like that, real life struck, well, perhaps not real life so much as the smoke detectors went off. There was giggling and someone grabbed the board from a game and the tallest woman waved it vigorously to stop the sound. It was not perfect, but it was wonderful!
We finished the smudging, and someone asked if there was a song with which to celebrate. Garnet Rogers has played a fairly large role in my healing process, and I immediately knew which song to play.
Seeds of Hope
Take my hand and we will walk together
Take my hand you will not walk alone
Take my hand this night won’t last forever
We’ll harvest seeds of hope we’ve sown
In your eyes I see you feel uncertain
In your eyes I see you feel alone
In your eyes I see your heart is hurting
You long for rest and hope and home
Take my hand and we will walk together
Take my hand you will not walk alone
Take my hand this night won’t last forever
We’ll harvest seeds of hope we’ve sown
Dry your eyes there is an end to sorrow
Dry your eyes there is an end to night
Dry your eyes we will shake this shadow
The dark will run before the light
Take my hand and we will walk together
Take my hand you will not walk alone
Take my hand this night won’t last forever
We’ll harvest seeds of hope we’ve sown
So the season follows season
There is no love, no prayer in vain
The hardest heart still looks for reason
as the driest earth still welcomes rain
Take my hand and we will walk together
Take my hand you will not walk alone
Take my hand this night won’t last forever
We’ll harvest seeds of hope we’ve sown
This song has been almost like an anthem for me; and tonight, I knew that while I was hurting and alone and unsure, that while I was longing for a home of my own, these women had been there. This night was the culmination of those words, as I am no longer hurting, or alone or unsure, and these women were here to help me claim my home.
As the evening wound down, and the women left, I was truly content to be in the moment. I was a bundle of energy; it was a day I had been dreading slightly, and then I didn’t want it to end! I looked around my space and felt wonderfully alive and truly at peace; this space is my home, and it is safe and sacred space.
Last night was not only sowing new seeds of hope, last night was also a harvesting of the seeds that had been planted over the past several months. These women, and many, many other people in my life, helped me sow those seeds, helped me tenderly nurture the young tentative plants that poked through, and helped those plants blossom, bloom and explode with beauty. Each one of those women could have been singing that song to me over the past many months; each of them took my hand and walked with me through an incredibly difficult time, and each of them has seen the changes and the beauty emerge.